I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I party with great urgency now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
