I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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