apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
