Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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