Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
