She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
