I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
