I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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