My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
