i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
