quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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