I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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