okay pat passed out under dana's car
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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