I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I AM VODKA MAN
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
