im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
