If that was your dad, he is hot
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
