he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Randomize
