we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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