Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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