did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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