I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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