Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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