I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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