I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
