no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
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In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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