You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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