I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
