we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together