Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
vagina is talking i cant
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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