Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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