I got chris browned last night
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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