Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
