I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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