i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
