I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
