3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
