Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
