Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
