im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
