My underwear smells like fireworks.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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