God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
