Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
