im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
