I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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