dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
third nipple confirmed
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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