i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
