I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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