girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
