just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
