remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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