I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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