I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
