and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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