You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
