we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
