one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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