The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Even my vagina gasped.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
